nico-nico's Diaryland Diary

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doors are opening slowly.

sometimes the night's graces make you realize it has nothing to offer but sadness.
(warning: random thoughts ahead.)
i've beeen trying to detach myself from the situation as much as possible, seperate every part of myself that i was during those months. i seperated myself physically as much as possible, and then thought i had done a good job of seperating myself mentally of it as well. now i find myself seeing him, angry as ever, and me not able to sleep because i can't even fathom the person i was two months ago. i do it too- i revert to bad habits and i lose myself. but mine does not hurt people, and while the deepest motive is most likely a selfish one, it still makes people happy. it was an uncontrollable situation in his eyes, but in mine i had the power to leave- which i did. i have absolutely no regret of having my own prerogotive. what i do regret, besides not being able to see what kind of disgusting person he was at the very beggining, is that it ended the way it did. thinking about it, if i saw his face filled with hurt, my heart would still go out to him. even with her, i see her for just a few seconds, and i just want to hold and tell her that all this anger is totally unnessacary. it also angers me that people who i pour all my love into will disregard me for mistakes, even when i accept their follies for what is humanly possible for myself. everytime i wake up alone, it's a reminder of what i don't have, of what seems unreachable. while i never had more that casual physical contact with them, every single fiber of my brain was devoted to them. even though they have both abandoned me for whatever reasons, i can't help but still have them in my hearts. i wish i could push them out, perhaps to join the tar pits of my lungs, but i can't. if only i could keep those people who love me, who don't want to change me, in my hearts without the pollution that i have let those two cause, then i could go on, still with the wisdom and experience of both relationships. i'm still so far from where i want to be, and it seems i am making the cliche of taking one step forward and two steps back.
i can tell things are troublesome when i begin to doubt that all is indeed full of love.

3:16 a.m. - 2005-12-03

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